Pangarap at Paghihintay

Noong bata ako, pangarap kong maging abugado. Lumaki raw kasi akong pilosopo sabi ni lolo. Pinag-bibigyan nya kong magpaliwanag, mag-kwento,gumawa ng sarili kong kwento, kahit kwentong barbero, pede kay lolo yun, di nya ko pagagalitan, at mag-eenjoy syang makinig. Kapag naikekwento ko sa kanya ang pangarap kong yun, di nya sinisingit ang kagustuhan nyang mag-AFP ako. Sya pa ang nag-sabi na dapat mahusay ako sa Math, kasi ang kursong dapat kunin ko ay Certified Public of Accountant (CPA)- pre course yun bago mag-abugasya. Sadyang ginalingan ko nong bata ako sa Math. Madalas matataas ang grado na nakukuha ko nong elementarya ako.

Masaya ang lolo ko sa mga grado ko lalu na sa Math—kadikit kasi yun ng pangarap ko. Pero nong nag-Highschool ako, pumurol ang utak ko sa Geometry, Statistics at Trigonometry. Totoo pala talagang mahirap ang asignaturang yun—sinisiw ko kasi dati ang Multiplication table, common denominator at fractions eh. Pero nag-iba dumagdag na ang Adjacent angle, parallel at perpendicular sabayan pa ng madalas na pag-gamit sa graphing paper. Yan ang natatanging asignaturang nagturo sa kin para mangopya tuwing may exam. Di pala dapat ako laging kumportable sa mga nangyayari sa Math life ko. (Marerealize ba yun ng 12 year old self ko, syempre hindi?)

Hanggang sa naranasan ko ng magkaroon ng 79. Perst taym yun, kaibigan! Iniyakan ko nang husto yun. Bumaha nang luha ko ang klasrum ng St. Luke, section ko nong 3rd year Highschool at kinailangan ko ng isang rolyo ng tissue sa pag-bagsak ng mga pangarap ko. Naglulupasay ako sa kakaiyak. Jowk! O.A lang, umiyak lang ako nang pahapyaw.

Buti na lang, niligtas ako ng pangalawang pangarap ko ang maging, Stage Actress.

Pag-actingin mo ko ng kung anu-ano simula seryoso hanggang nakakatawa—patok yan sa mga classmates, schoolmates at teachers ko. Siguro nga mas magiging masaya ako pag natupad yun. Kung anu-anong stage plays ang sinalihan ko-- naging tomboy ako, naging Maria sa Sound of Music, nanay, taumbayan.. Ansayang balikan nang mga ala-alang yun.

Kaso habang tumatanda ako, nagiging parte na ng buhay ko ang mga dati-rating mga pangarap ko, di man ako isang propesyunal na abugado o stage actress.

Natupad naman ang di ko man lang maisigaw at maipagmalaking gawain noon. Ang mag-sulat. Itanong mo ko kung ilang journals at diary ang meron ako sa bahay?

Ilan? Di ko kayo marinig. Ilan? Syempre di nyo alam.

Tumataginting na 10!

Bawat tao ay may panghihinayang, may lungkot, may sobrang nakakatuwa at nakakabilib na storya ng pag-pupunyagi! Yung aking storya ay simple lang, pero bumabaha ako sa pag-asa at pananalig sa taas.

Di ko man natupad na maging abugado at stage actress, naging kwentista (taga-kwenta ng mga pera),guro at manunulat naman ako. Mga magagandang propesyun na humubog sa kin. Di ko na nga rin naalala yung mga grado ko noon. Tanong uli: Kailangan ba talaga yun? Siguro, pero di batayan at sukatan ng pagkatao’t tunay na kakayanan.

Siguro di na rin pinahintulutan, kasi baka meron mas malaking nakalaan para sa kin. Isipin ko kung naging abugado ako, marahil madalas akong nakikipag-debate. Di ko gusto yung ganon kasi tatawa ako pag seryoso na ang usapan at mabulol pa ko. At kapag naging stage actress naman ako, lagi akong nakasuot nang makapal na make-up kapag may pagtatanghal. Ayoko rin naming araw-arawin yun, kasi baka magka-allergy ang fes ko’t di na ko makilala ni Mr. Right. Sa madaling salita, nag-iba na ang mga gusto ko.

Pero isa sa mga tanyag kong pangarap ay mananatili-- yun ang maging mabuting anak, kapatid, kaibigan at balang araw ay asawa’t ina-- tama ang Mabuting Ako! Sumunod na doon ang maging mahusay na manunulat at negusyante.

Sa tuwing iisipin ko kung ganu na kalaki ang sakripisyo ko sa mga taong minahal ko’t mahal ako di na ko tumitigil para ipag-patuloy ang mga nasimulan ko.

Di ko man matupad ang pagkarami-rami kong pangarap sa isang kindat, isang padyak ng paa at lunday ng buhok. Matutupad din yung iba doon pag tama na ang panahon at lugar at kapag mas napag-tibay na ng panahon ang karakter na dinesenyo para sa akin.

Ngayon, tuluy-tuloy lang ako sa paghawak sa papel at bolpen ko. Paumpisa pa lang ang pag-bubuo ko sa storya ng aking mga ilan-ilang pangarap. Hinay-hinay lang. Ngingiti, papalakpak, tatalon, sasayaw, tatambling at mag-didiwang din ang mga taong marunong mag-hintay! J

Dad, I dedicate this to you

Ria, a 16 year old girl eagerly plays soccer. It’s their final game between Team diamond, their opponent and Team flash, her unbeatable team.

She ignores her leg and arm ache from a punctilious training, because her riveted eyes are set on the target. The sweat that rolls over her face and shoulders as the sun strikingly touches her equates to the passion she’s exerting to the game. The crowd’s loud cheer is her silver bullet when she kicks the ball and hits the goal.

The strong ‘Hooray!’ from her teammates makes her confident that they would taste the sweet victory. Subconsciously, she smells the delectable roasted chicken that her mom always prepare whether she wins or loses the game.

‘How terrific life is!’ she tells herself after hitting the final goal. Then her teammates, coach and other supporters run towards her, embrace and carry her as she looks up the sky quite awhile, afterward she hold both her hands and bow down to praise the one who made them victor. Subsequently she asks those who carry her to let her down. She stops. Flashes of memory revisits- younger days that is filled with fun games, friends to laugh with and parents to support her; But when she turned 10, her father met a car accident and was declared dead upon arriving the hospital. Grief surrounded their family and the daddy’s little girl was the most affected one.

After she played soccer at their school ground, her parents would pick her up. Her dad would admiringly tell her, ‘Woah! I saw a junior world-cup. It was a great game, darling.’

Then he’ll slightly bend down and gently kiss her forehead upon reminiscing those pleasant memories- her chest tightens and she outburst into tears as her mom runs and embraces her.

There’s a light in her mom’s eyes and she said, ‘I’m proud of you, dear.’ After a minute of crying and embracing her mom genuinely praise her. She senses that Ria wants to stay there for a jiffy.

People are starting to leave the stadium.

Ria stands alone. ‘Wherever you are dad, this World-cup tournament is for you! I love you.’

The thin air lightly squeezes her and a serene smile was painted on her face.

Happy Birthday, Ma!

Last June 12, Sunday was my mom’s 48^th birthday. Supposedly, I would write for her prior to her birthday, but I’ve been busy and pre-occupied with so many things. So I postpone in doing so. Now, I have to do this. Not out of pressure but out of outpouring love for her.

My mom is not a super mushy mom, she’s actually a little bit stubborn and sometimes strict mom. She was used to shout to us when things aren’t done immediately. She wakes up very early in the morning because her body clock works that way. When she’s already awake, she’d do her best not to make us awake, because we normally wake up late-there may be times when she’d wanted us to wake up early so she’ll make annoying sounds in doing so.

There are so many funny things about her: She can be very, very cool especially when I’ll seek her attention and we’ll sing together. Eventhough she doesn’t know the song that I’m singing, she’ll still listen and sing with me(mind you her lyrics are most of the time wrong.haha)

Next, when I’m going to share about my day to her. She’ll sometimes listen and along the way she’ll make gossip about special people of her life and sometimes even the non-sense things. She’s also thoughtful because she’d rather let us eat first before her.

She ‘s also reminding us to still use ‘po’ and ‘opo’ once we talk to old people.

She prompt us to pray to the Lord earnestly especially when problem strikes and when blessings rain in our family.

She taught us to love old singers, vintage things and old-fashion way of living.

When we’re having a problem and we’re confuse about the world we live in. we seek her advise and she will always tell us to not to follow the wrong things she’d done with her life.

I saw her eyes light up still when I talk about how beautiful she is, she’d just slightly upward her shoulder and looks at me amazingly and she’’ll say” ‘Of course!’

I love her curly short hair like a flower and her light brown eyes deep like an ocean.

She also loves poor people. She’s actually a giver to them. She’s a good listener and she knows how to connect with people around her. She loves my friends and she sometimes love them more than me..haha

There maybe times of misunderstanding and I’ll show her my stubborn side but in the end of the day. We forgive and forget. We let go and move on, because she loves me more than I love her.

Those are the small things that I appreciate more about her. And last Sunday, everything worked on perfectly for her birthday. It was a simple celebration among us (me, Pao and close friends). After attending The Feast, she got a free ride, treat and movie ticket. She received love, hugs, kisses and smiles. She’s the most special woman on that day, and for almost 12 hours she kept quiet and accepting the gifts of the world to her. I won’t forget that very simple day.:)

She was very happy and seeing her happy multiplies my happiness too.:)))

Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mama Mariela! You’re simply the best.:)

 Pao and Mama

Pao, Yani and me

 

Pao, mama, Yani, Mean and me

Pao, mama, Yani, Mean and Anthony

Happy 100th year bday also, NESTLE!

You completed the celebration.=)

Perfect love story

 Love is patient. Everytime I fall short on my sins, you patiently look into my heart until I ask for forgiveness, repent and to sin no more; love is kind. When you gave me a very kind family and friends who love and support me even if I’m sometimes unloving; It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Yours is confident, humble and gentle just like a voice of my favorite student who always made my day; It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Whenever I feel like I’m going to burst into anger and would dishonor my brother and sister, I’d just pray instead and pour to you my negative outburst. You asked me to shake it off, until I become better, normal and healthy again. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. The bible and its scripture is the best tool to defeat the devil. It is your words that wash away all fears and worries. I’m grateful for the Feast and my brothers and sisters there; It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Thank you for the mantle of your protection against my enemies, and also for asking me to surrender my future and dreams into your hand, because you have a greater plan for my life and it’s to make me prosperous with the use of my talents and capabilities. And lastly some of my friends gave a remark that I’m always doing my best and that is my gift to you.

  Love never fails. Your love for me soars high. It strengthens me and sends me to a beautiful place wherein your love would be shown and appeared. :)

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Journey To The Past

Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turnback
Now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past


Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams
Just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Fin'lly home where I belong
Well, starting here, my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past


Heart don't fail me now!
Courage don't desert me!


Home, Love, Family
There was once a time
I must have had them too
Home, Love, Family
I will never be complete
Until I find you...


One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where
This road may go-
Back to who i was
On to find my future
Things my heartstill
Needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign!
Let, this road be mine!
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home...
At last!
At Last!

This may seem backward. But ironically as it may seem people look at their pasts-whether ugly or beautiful one. Everyone has his/her shared story of her past. We journey backward, yet we returned at the present moment with a WONDERFUL LESSON OF YESTERDAY’S OLD SCARS.

If people would ask how my past was. I’ll tell you that it was colorful. I had a bank of stories in my mind when I was a kid. I was a combination of an active and obedient student-ask my mom about it. Haha.. Of course, I was just a normal tall kid who played with neighbors and classmates, who was scolded by my parents-btw, I’m a product of a broken family so I lived with my mom,younger sister, 2 aunts and I had a puppy crushes too. I was very close with my aunt because my mom was very close with my younger sister. But as I can see now, it doesn’t bother me much knowing in my heart that everything has a purpose. (To my fellow readers, don’t worry I won’t overshare because I’m still feeling the need to share it privately.) I met the Lord through my grandfather who kept on reminding me to thank the Lord before and after the meal; before leaving the house; for his blessings in the family and through going to the mass. His words were sometimes kind, yet sometimes fearful. Yes, he came from an Armed Forces of the Philippines. He was such a tough man who became soft because of my lola’s kindness. I awe him some of my principles and faith. He was my Father-figure, because my father left us when I was innocently 6 years old. He was a man of discipline, of action and of rules. Yet, he can’t help to use his “yantok” to discipline us. It was the pain from my childhood. When I was a kid, I’d either felt thankful and fearful of him. He would sometimes challenge me if I was really bright in the class or not and I proved him that I was. And that’s how I trust more the LORD TODAY to heal my heart from all the pains that he brought me and my family. And I will confess that there were moments in my journey to my faith that I saw the Lord as kind yet sometimes cruel. That’s why I believe in the saying be careful with your words and actions for it may make or break you.

Anyway, he may be with the Lord now. I’m praying for his soul along with my lola. He still linger in my memories. He still stays in my heart. And in the moment I could meet him again in heaven, I’ll tell him: I love you. Thank you. Forgive me.

He died, after fulfilling his dreams to have a house in Bicol. He was too far from us but not with my aunt. He left us hanging and confuse of what will life awaits us. Yes, our finances came from his pension. He left me working hard for my mom and my sister. He left without sending notices. He left us crazy.

And in the very same place where he left us, I found a home in my Divine Father’s arms. He gently asked me not to bore hatred but to understand the situation. I wrote in my journals that I should be flexible and adjustable with the situation. I obeyed him. But mind you there were times that I failed to do so. He blessed me with faith in myself, family and work. Now, I’m working as a Video English teacher for Koreans. I experienced moving from one place to another thrice in a year, but in the kindness of the Lord, I can pay now our rent.
I’m maintaining my friendship with my old and new friends. I’m learning to prioritize things. I’m just a normal woman with dreams and talents. I’m also at times acting on impulse and craziness. I am who I am because of the learning that I lock in my heart and with God's mercy using His people. No more questions of, "What if lolo is still alive, how would our life w be?"

In relation to this, when I was 10 years old, this song Journey to the past became my favorite. I was a fan of Leah Salonga and the late-Aaliyah. I kept on singing this with my cassette tape and radio. It has a melody and lyrics that made me realize how journey can be tough, yet exciting. I had always dream of singing this with a big audience- BIG DREAMS ARE ALWAYS GREAT!=))

Looking at life as a whole and as a detailed one can make us think that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND MASTERPIECE. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT YET A BYPRODUCT OF YOUR PAST LEARNINGS-as the saying goes and as I edit it.

Potato salad

“Is grandma there on the living room?” asked the small sister to her big sister.

“I think she’s upstairs now and taking a rest.” hushed the big sister.

“Come on now.” said the small sister eagerly.

“Ok. But don’t be loud, so they won’t hear us.” answered the big sister.

Together they went down silently and vigilantly looking at their living room. They saw the clock’s time and it’s already 9:30 in the evening. Everyone in their big house was upstairs. Their grandma was taking a good rest and their maids were gossiping on their rooms. Then the 2 sisters reached the refrigerator. The big sister opened it while signaling her small sister to keep quiet. Then she opened the crisper, lo and behold, she found the potato salad there. Surely, the two sisters craved for it. But their selfish maids would keep it from them and only their Filipino-Spanish grandma could eat it. With the feasting eyes, the two sisters get few from the bottle the potato salad and put it on their small plastic ware plate. As they started to eat it, they were so hurried to do so. They were like hungry prisoners secretly eating their food.


 “Bang!” They heard it from the door upstairs.


 Hence, they doubled time in eating it, sometimes without chewing and just swallowing it. Then they hurriedly closed the bottle’s cover and immediately returned it to the crisper. They didn’t even drink their water as they heard the footsteps from above. They just even put the small plastic ware plate under the table.

The 2 sisters looked at each other; together they blurted “The heck!”

That’s it! Their grandma slowly went down the stairs and she saw her granddaughters outright, sitting on the kitchen’s table, painted a faint grin to each other. When she finally landed on the floor, she looked at them confusingly and straightforwardly asked, “Have you eaten already? The 2 nervous sisters who were left unmoved and speechless on their seats were wondering if they were caught; Suddenly the big sister saved the courage to answer, “Ah. Not yet grandma. We’re just talking here before getting asleep.” While she was answering it, her grandma opened the fridge’s door and crisper then grabbed the bottled potato salad.

The small sister bit her lips while the big sister observed their grandma’s movement.

Alas’ grandma invited, “Come on, let’s eat!”

           Upon hearing it, the 2 overwhelmed sisters get 3 small plates from their dishwasher and placed it on the table. Then grandma opened the bottled potato salad and all it’s freshness oxidized as they served each other the salad.

           They happily eat together which they rarely did before. It may look a small dinner, but in their hearts it was a great one. They sometimes have chitchat, the big sister was telling her antic jokes and the small sister’s giggle made their grandma realized what she missed out. Without noticing the time spent, the potato salad was already on their stomach, but the memory would last forever.