Loving you

One day, a beautiful lady talks to her 17 year old self. She knows that it lives in her and she sees how beautiful and smart she is, but sometimes her weakness creeps in. Oftentimes she’ll fall in love with wrong guys, recklessly complain to her parents, and be disappointed with the result of her studies. That causes that 17 year old girl to cry, doubt and fear for her future.

“Life is uncertain. People come and go and worst they can hurt you.” I remember hearing her before.

Then I told her, “I know you’re hurt, but it doesn’t mean that life is ugly.”

“I don’t know, but I fail to see it now. I’m sorry; I’m so hurt after finding out that the guy I love doesn’t love me back.

“I know that he’s the reason why you feel that way, but you have to let him go for there is bright future for you. You’ll be amazed when God turns your dreams according to His plan for you.”

She didn’t listen instead she cried and covered her face.

This 17 year old girl plays hard to attain peace in her heart, so as she turns 18 until 23, she knows a lot of games but in the end losing the good fight.

After 7 years of a wrestling with her emotions- she cried again to her 24 year old self and said, “Now is your turn, take over me please. Guide me to obey His will. I’m now letting go that sad young lady in me. I want you because you look so loving, kind and graceful. You’re unaware of it, but I love you as who you are. I love to be with you. I’m astonished to the people surrounding you. Yes, I forgot to say it, but I love you the first time we talked. I just didn’t have the courage to listen and obey you. I’m busy with my pains. Forgive me, then.”

I answered, “At that time, I see how beautiful you’ll become someday. I know you’ll follow my steps because I see your determined heart. I understand how you fail and falter and I didn’t condemn you on that. I love you because I’m your future you.”

Then the beautiful lady embraces the young girl in her, brush her hair, looks in her sparkling eyes and both praise the wondrous name of God.

Awakening

I went home late at night, then suddenly I saw him outside our house. Just standing and looking from afar. He’s quiet. When he saw me, he faced me and I saw his eyes of regret. I just looked at him. There was a control to neither embrace him nor hold him. There was a distance; the air of stiffness to both of us surrounded us. I stared at him, read, and observed him. I was not thinking of myself but of him. I took my place into his. And it’s hard. I can’t believe how hard it is especially when he told me, “I’m dying soon, Kamile. I got this disease unexpectedly when I slept with another man last year. I didn’t know that he acquired AIDS before.” I wanted to scream into his face but instead, I went with him to see a doctor. “How could this man who inspired me got that illness?” I asked myself. He was just even busy in feeding kids, teaching them passionately and I didn’t know his untold story.

 Does knowing he’ll die soon make me apathetic?

Then he cried in front of me. I went closely as he was repressing his tears. He runaway swiftly then the darkness covered the street until I heard his deep wail. A wail that awakens my senses.