How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. 'People pleaser' is actually a code for codependency; many people are codependent. I was a people pleaser before, but now- by the Grace of God and maturity- I'm on the process of knowing when to say, Yes or No.

Steps:

1. Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to please someone else. Write them down. For each of these occasions, imagine how you would have handled it differently to please yourself! What is the worst that could have happened? Write down your worst fears.

2.Look at your fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say the right thing. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?

3. Examine your ability to set limits on others. Examine your boundaries. Where are they? What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.

4. Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside/not considered. Were you always expected to anticipate and mold yourself to everyone else's needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here's a newsflash -- not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others' expectations.

5. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you're doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn't, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?

6. Learn how to say "no." Don't make up excuses -- give your reasons for not wanting something. So your best friend wants you to go with her or him to a party that will be full of people that you can't stand? "No thank you. It's just not my scene." Start small by finding something small to say "no" to, and say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it! You'll be surprised -- the world will not collapse around your ears! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.

7. Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the movies, and most people in the group want to see a particular movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help.

Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.

8. Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but are afraid someone else will not like. Dye your hair, get that new look, have a treat that you enjoy, go on holiday....whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks about it. Don't get caught up in doing things just because no one else wants you to do them. Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are a factor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.

9. Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don't become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there's a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a "win-win" situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.

Source here

Give Yourself Permission to Be You

1. Stop censoring your actions. Be you? the only you there is. No one else is qualified for the job.

2. Have fun, have a sense of humor and have a million laughs.

3. Be an optimist; be the person you were as a child. Do something new, exciting and different. Look at life from a different point of view.

4. Get curious; ask a trillion questions, and experience the joy in looking for the answers.

5. Make new friends and cherish the old (some are silver and the others gold).

6.  Invite creativity to become as much a part of the fabric of your daily life as your everyday routines like making the bed, cooking meals, cleaning the house and caring for the people you love. Look at these everyday, seemingly mundane tasks and see where you can infuse them with spirit, individuality and fun.

Deserving Respect and love

The world is a reflection of us. When we hate ourselves, there’s a possibility that we can hate everybody else. When we love being who we are, the rest of the world is wonderful.

If you see yourself as a financial winner, you will be prosperous.

We create our own quality of life, based on our own happy self-image. Being egoistical and having a self-love are complete opposites. On the otherhand, a healthy self-love enables us to respect our own wishes as well as the wishes of others. It means we can feel proud of our achievements without needing to broadcast them, it means we can feel proud of our achievements without needing to broadcast them, it means we can accept our shortcomings while striving to improve ourselves.

BIG NOTE:

Decide that good health is your birthright and that you deserve to be healthy. Above all, be gentle on yourself. Accept and love yourself wherever you are right now and acknowledge that even up until now you have been living the life the best you know.

POSITIVE PATTERNS:

1.     I’m “always healthy” pattern.

2.     “Always in the right place at the right time” pattern.

3.     “Whatever I do, I always end up making money” pattern.

4.     “I trust people and they always treat me well” pattern.

5.     “Whatever I do is always fun and easy” pattern.

(Source: Being Happy by Andrew Matthews)

Mean World

I’m definitely aware that a world can be sometimes cruel to you. But believing on the Law of attraction is the best method to still look at the world @ its brightest hue. Planting good and noble thoughts can alter the world surrounding you.

Anyway, I have a list here of my petpeeves. Actually, I consider myself as a nice person. But mind you sometimes being nice can be maltreated too. So I decided to list here IMPORTANT REMINDER FOR MYSELF.

Things that can offend me:

1.     Neglecting me.

2.     Telling me these words: “I’m no good.”

3.     Looking at me as if I pissed her/his day.

4.     Keeps on comparing and comparing.

5.     Leave me hanging.

Things to do when I get offended:

1.     Say it to the person who offended me, especially if she/he is a friend.

2.     Ask what’s the problem?

3.     If the offenders keep on doing it, Keep the distance.

4.     If I’m not hypersensitive @ the moment. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY.

5.     Displease without being displeasing. (as MK said)

6.     Count the blessings. Remain POSITIVE. =)

Season of Fall (Learnings from Bro. Bo's talk)

-      Season of reckoning.

-      What you’ve planted in your teens, you will harvest it on your fall.

-      The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

(Galatians 6:8)

-      It’s as simple as people will reap what they sow.

-      My body is a garden. I should be taking care of it. I should eat healthy food, like fruits and vegetables.

-      He told a sad story about a man, who abandoned his wife and kids 20 years ago. When he decided to return to them, he’s trying his best to reconcile but it’s difficult and painful.

    ¹⁷ Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. ¹⁸ Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. ¹⁹ In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

  ⁽¹ Timothy 6:17-19)

-      He also added that we shouldn’t depend on the blessings but on the BLESSER instead. The One who richly supplies with all things to enjoy. God has given all things to enjoy, that’s why we must enjoy the harvest of blessings.

“I will tell the kindnesses of the Lord. Proclaim the Blesser.” (Isaiah 63:7)

God pampered Bro. Bo and so to us. There’s a sad reality that some people around us won’t like it when we are blessed. We shouldn’t impose our choice to anyone. A real friend is happy when you’re blessed. If they’re unhappy, then we should change our friends.

How to enjoy life?

1.    Savor Life- Don’t rush

Greek time:

a.    Chrono- Chronological time (8:45)

b.    Kairos- special now, moment you’re aware, expand for being aware.

2.    Simplify pleasures- There’s a difference between being rich and feeling rich. Feeling rich is an emotional state that you’re very blessed financially, emotionally, socially and physically.

3.    Strengthen your relationship- Learn how to understand.

4.    Increase your gratitude

5.    Share your generosity

Still Loved

As Susan Forward says, “There is no contradiction between being a loving, giving woman, taking care of yourself and acting in your own best interests. The most wonderful gift that you can give yourself and any man you become involved with is your sense of self-worth and with it, your expectation of love and good treatment.”

I’ve been single now for almost 7 years. (still holding on for a PERFECT YEAR, but I can let it go if it won't happen.) Sometimes I care much and sometimes not, because I got used to it. (Does it mean, I should be always getting used to it?) Nahh. I know it’ll be scary to get used to it. Of course, I need to get attracted with others too. Well, as of this moment. Noone in particular caught my attention again. Is it because of my traumas in loving someone? Or is it because I just lived in denial for the past few years? Whatever it is.. I’m just living this way, simply because of the TIME THAT I HAVE TO FACE THAT THERE’S NOONE YET. Honestly, I’ve been inlove before with wrong guys. That’s part of the past. Forgiveness works for me and God’s miracle in changing my heart happens in the least I expect.

That’s it. Sometimes my eager sister would want me meet someone or atleast have a date. Yes, I’m open for it. I have to remain open and available so that I could meet him someday.

As far as I remember, I wrote in my journal the negotiable characteristics that I’m looking for a man. I can say, that I’m looking for the best and standard. As my, big brother in the community said. I have to look for someone who’s stronger than me, because I’m already strong. I shouldn’t be trimming down my standards when it comes to looking for a man. Since, this man is very trustworthy and I could find in him what a real man should be. I listened to him. Yes, I love listening to counsels. It saves me. I would be loving to take risks but it should be wisely considered and discerned first.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22)

But I have my shared of disappointments, worries, fears and bottled up negativities and with those not gorgeous feelings. I shared it with trusted friends. I maybe very loud and open, but I have my privacy too. I don’t want other people to get worried with me at times. But as they open their ears and hearts to me, I know my heart is taken care of. I’m glad I’m also surrounded with it. One close friend told me that the secret to meeting Right man is to pray hard for him. Because only God knows who’s right and not for you.

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:19)

If someone would ask me if I’m excited to fall in love again? Here’s my answer: Falling in love is as easy as falling out of love. I want to grow in love to someone whom I would get to know first. Yes, friendship, trust, communication and commitment matters. It’s more on working on a relationship and romance would be just part of it. 

For I know, I’m enjoying life. I just write this for the sake of reminding myself that while I’m enjoying I’m also looking for someone somewhere. I’m readying myself too. I don’t want to look clumsy. Even if sometimes I am. Hehe.. I’ll just stay where I am. Loving where I am. Because he could be probably searching for where I am. And if he’s not in the search for where I am. I’ll be moving forward to the promised land and drink the sweet honey that God has prepared for me. I’ll meet the the Lord anytime and anywhere.

I’m still loved.=)

Recalling Trina Paulus' Hope for the flowers

I always have this spontaneous fondness for butterflies, especially yellow and white ones. I remember as a grade school student, I'm interested with "metamorphosis" or a "caterpillar-transformed-into-a-butterfly" thing. As I reminisce my anecdotes for this, lemme' share 2 wonderful experiences about butterflies.

Lola's pure soul

 August 1, 2008

I sat in front of my blue and brown eyed, curly chestnut brown, grayish haired, Spanish- French grandmother, who sat on a mono block chair as my mom put an ointment on her back bedsore. I held both her knees to support her as she faced and felt this overwhelming and terrifying pain. As my mom applied another ointment it equates another lola's affliction. Lola Violet looked up in the ceiling, closed her eyes, without uttering any painful words, just seeing her face's exasperation almost made me asserting my mom to stop it. But at the verge of ceasing her, death did my supposed action.

I diverted my shocked eyes into mama and said, " Ma, tingnan mo si lola." ( "Mom, look at lola.") Lola bowed her head with this yellowish, bluish fluid in her mouth and paled face. As my curiosity grew, I even lifted up her face, sometimes slapping it, assuring myself if this was true. And I'm sure it was. Mama said, " Nakatulog lang sya, dahil wala syang tulog kagabi." ( " She's just sleeping, cause she doesn't have an enough sleep last night." ) There was an air of denial floating in our once loud house.

Until lolo Nitoy decided to put her on her death bed (as for counting, lola was bed ridden for 4 years). As she lied down on her bed. I assumingly looked at lola's lifeless body. Then lolo instantly picked up the phone and hurriedly dialed our doctor's number. He discussed how looked like, telling him that she has no pulse rate anymore. Silence enveloped our house, yearning for lolo's announcement. Until he uttered, " 15 minutes ng patay si Violet." ("Violet is already 15 minutes dead .") I heard Tita Mary's loudest cry, everyone followed, and me putting my calmest and graceful posture over my family's grieve. 

While everyone was having  a commotion with sobbing cries, I went in my room, picked up 25 pesos from my coin purse, got my cellphone and went out to consume a load in texting my friends and relatives. I left our gloomy house with my certain alertness. I walked straight up ahead and then one bright yellow , big sized butterfly flying up and down and circling on our leafy masetas (plants), and it caught my attention for few seconds, then flew vertically into the sky. All my stiffed emotions softened as I realize how beautiful my lola's soul was.

She turned into a yellow  butterfly is my heart's belief.

While walking along our compound, no single tear fell, I was filled with amazement. As I continued walking tears surrounded the corner of my eyes, letting few drops of it to fall.

"Is that a sort of divine intervention?", I asked myself.

If it is so, I'm blessed, for God gave a sign that lola's soul is already in BEST HANDS.

Struggling to catch the bouquet of flowers

 January 25, 2010

It was Ivy's, one of my special friend, wedding. Pressing fast forward to the scene. The emcee at that time asked all the single ladies to stand and and be geared up for this wedding tradition, catching the bride's bouquet. Admittingly, I was one of those who wished to catch it. As I walked along the way, surprisingly one yellow and white butterflies playing around or maybe accompanying my footsteps. Then, my imagination worked parallelly with my heart's desire. I think I was hearing those butterflies telling me that I could catch the bouquet. 

Yes, I was  partly hopeful and almost lunatic lady.

Finally, my beautiful friend and bride enthusiastically threw this whitish, reddish, peachy rolled into a bouquet. Every single women including me and my friends, Sab, Mean and Claud rolled our sleeves up. (Though almost all of us were  wearing sleeveless dress). Unfortunately the bride threw the bouquet at the farthest corner of the earth. And we sighed or maybe solely  me or few of us. 

But since no hands caught the bouquet, no smile painted on one lucky lady and no teasing of "You'll be the next bride." Second attempt was made, this time the bride was both apologetic and reassuring that someone might catch it and secretly glee was in my heart.

This time, I was equipped, same as my expectedly vigilant friend, Sab. Then, "pack!" the bouquet was on the ground and me together with Sab looked on it and struggled to get it. I think, Jake, Sab's beloved boyfriend captured that combating bouquet catching. While Mean and Claud were at the back ,maybe silently betting who could get it. And Madz was busy taking pictures.

Then..

I caught the flowers. Whoah! Later on my imagination functioned again, "Were the butterflies right or was I so focused on catching it?" Then I almost jumped for joy.

And, I was luckily (?) teased. (blush. blush.)

  (photo taken by Jake)

Lending one book means getting 2 books

After months of doing all my routines. I met a wonderful friend in our office named, Leah. She has an average lenghty hair with a rounded eyes and face. She has a very sweet and melodic voice and my hunch was right. She's a Christian, God's warrior by her gracefulness. As I kept on sending to all my co -teachers Julianne Tarroja's (Christian, indie and underground artist) songs "Grateful," "Choose to believe" and "Queen in me" in our message popped-out. She always gives her endearing comments. She loves the song and the singer too. Then, I know I would put her close to my heart.

Nevertheless, one of my proudest habit is the exchanging of books, and Leah became my instant customer.

I impulsively lent her one Christian and challenging book and she entrusted me 2 lovely books. One was Trina Paulus' Hope For The Flowers and Philip Yancey's When Life Hurts.

Wow. I lent her one and hers was 2. Whatta very generous lady.

Giddily reading and understanding Hope for the flowers

The main characters from the story were the 2 caterpillars named Stripe and Yellow. Both of them just met at the caterpillars pillar hoping to find out what was there at the top. As they continued climbing and smashing one another together with millions of caterpillars. Yellow blurted out that there must be more than knowing what's on the top, she wants to go down. Stripe wasn't convince so he unstoppably climbed, sometimes ignoring Yellow. Then she was hurt and cried for Stripe's behavior to her. She taught that Stripe was her companion and she taught wrong. Stripe felt guilty and said sorry for her, so he decided to climbed down with Yellow. They both curled into one , so that the smashing caterpillars won't stepped on their body, stomach and eyes. Alas, they were on the ground and took time to look at each other. 

As they walked along the grassy ground. They did the normal routine that they once had before getting into the pillar, like eating the grass, sleeping on the ground but never they realize that they would become couple. They were happy being together, but Stripe a normal hunter was never satisfied, so he looked again at the pillar, began to wander "what 's on the top?"

Yellow became worried again with Stripe's determination, but since she loves and supports Stripe, she lets him feeds his curiosity.

He climbed up again and this time, he's fiercer. While Yellow was left alone, thinking how is stripe doing. Days passed by and Yellow met a caterpillar surrounded with cocoon. She asked the newly acquainted friend what was he doing. And he said he's waiting to become a butterfly. Yellow wandered what's a butterfly and the butterfly wannabe answered. " That's what you're supposed to become." So Yellow is amazed and she told herself that if she has this stuff in becoming a butterfly.


Then Yellow took risk, made a cocoon around her and waited till it's time for her to have wings to fly. And the day came, she turned into a bright and yellow butterfly.She flew high and remembered the Strike at the pillar. She went to see him there while struggling to get on top. Then Yellow finally saw him looked him deeply in his eyes and Stripe felt unworthy of her glance. He remembered the words, "butterfly alone." And he decided to climbed down the pillar.


He didn't bother the commotions from other crawlers. Alas he was down, he did his normal routine, and of course he searched for Yellow. But he failed. Until one night, this familiar creature glanced at him and might be telling him to follow her lead. Then Strike followed. He saw other crawler's cocoon wrapping around him and he imitated.


While Yellow was drinking the flower's nectar and waited for him.


Alas' he became a striped white and black butterfly and the place was surrounded with many butterflies wherein the flowers add another beauty on it.  


The end.

 Lemme tell this story to the world

Right after that, I'm fond of telling this story to anyone who's lending an ears to me. Seeing butterflies along Edsa, taking with friends who love butterflies, reading stories about butterflies, imagining how this beautiful creature made me cry, and recounting my friend's stories about butterflies.


I would spend time in looking at them.

Waiting

fill your life with happiness

(MK did this for me!----sweetness first!^&^)

dreams to make

One of the best thing about being human is our capacity to dream, whether

small or big. But me, I always dream of BIG DREAMS. Like owning my own

businesses someday, having a lot of money(of course in a good way), helping my family to become

financial wise too and of course BE A BESTSELLING AUTHOR. ( I'm not a business graduate, actually a communication alumni, but

I see how ugly poverty is so I'm wanting to become a business woman.)

 Those are 4 of my great dreams.

If I write it, be positive about the outcome and persevering in creating it.

I'm confident that'll happen.

I just need a good channel. How? Where?

1. Investing in a mutual fund.

2. Saving money in my piggy bank or reopening my BPI bank

account.

3. Discipline myself in not buying unnecessary stuffs.

4. WHAT I ALWAYS DO: BUDGETTING MY MONEY.

5. Find a part time job.

6. Finding a millionaire MENTOR.

7. Be committed in learning my finances and failing and learning again.

8. There's always time for everything. A time to find out how to get rich in

BLOGGING.

9. Selling stuffs through Ebay. (wow, I'm modern now.hehe)

10. Saying "No." to so many gallivantings. Choosing the important sequence of my

priorities.

11. GROWING UP IN HANDLING FINANCES THROUGH GROWING MY CHARACTER.

- I just learn it from Bo Sanchez's book: How To Turn Thoughts Into Things

Just a reminder for an impatient heart

MK did this for me. Another funstuff from her. We had a little conversation with this.

After giving the "cute reminder", she nonverbally said:

MK: You have a pizza hut heart shaped card, right? put it there

and flash it on your station wall.

Thina: Why, do you think, I'm waiting impatiently?

MK: No, you're not even waiting!

Thina: Haha.. Yeah, I'm just patient! * *

The new curly haired trainee was just looking weirdly on the both of us.

hays, another uncanny trip between the 2 of us! hehe